听is a Clinical Psychologist and Professor in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience at听.
We live in the age of perfection. Expectations are so high that something is either flawless or worthless.
, and our culture is now obsessed: the perfect body, job, partner, vacation 鈥� the perfect life. .
Nowhere is this more obvious than weddings.
After 25 years researching this topic (and more than 100 publications), I take particular interest in cultural trends that encourage perfectionism 鈥� and weddings take the cake.
Pursuing perfection
Most weddings have some common elements: two people, often dressed in some combination of white dress and/or nice suit, exchange vows and rings. But now, in the age of social media and the wedding industry, the wedding must have an esthetic. The reception must be themed, the ceremony colour co-ordinated, and above all: it. must. be. perfect.
set the tone and set the standard. Perfection is the tale and social media the teller. Where鈥檚 the romance?
听
. Weddings are a major milestone that change or reinforce social status; as such, people seek perfection to ridiculous extremes. Minute details are fussed over to the exclusion of what should really matter: the love that brought everyone together in the first place.
How can you have a beautiful, romantic, special day without falling into the trap of relentlessly pursuing perfection? Well, you forget perfection and focus on people.
Pressure from other people
There is immense pressure to plan a party that pleases staid family members and adventurous friends alike. .
If your mother is in tears because you鈥檙e questioning a religious ceremony, ask yourself these three things:
What are our values? and translate those values into actions. If you and your partner want to interact with each guest, invite only your nearest and dearest. If you鈥檙e environmentally conscious, swap disposable decorations for in-season florals. Are you animal lovers? Ask guests to donate to your choice of charity instead of buying a gift. If you make your wedding a reflection of your values, then you鈥檙e less likely to .
What do we want? Striving for perfection is costly. There is pressure to spend on the perfect rings, fancy paper invitations, a tropical honeymoon and more. The wedding industry capitalizes on these expectations, turning weddings into major investments . These 鈥渋deals鈥� aren鈥檛 feasible for every budget. These are wants, not needs, so allocate your funds where you want them to go. A courthouse wedding, grocery store flowers and a potluck dinner with friends can be just as special. . The point is to celebrate, not spend money pleasing others, so don鈥檛 feel pressured to go into debt.
How do we grow? Too often, couples fall into The problem with this 鈥減erfect match鈥� mindset is it鈥檚 too easy to say 鈥淚 guess it wasn鈥檛 meant to be鈥� when things get tough. , but life doesn鈥檛 end with a wedding. Both during and after the wedding, you鈥檒l face challenges and disagreements. If you focus on growing together as you plan your wedding and beyond, you鈥檙e less likely to .
Pressure you put on others
You agonize over orchestrating the perfect day, and then your sister鈥檚 baby bawls during the ceremony and Uncle Johnny gets drunk and makes rude jokes during the reception. When stakes seem high, you can end up . .
When something inevitably goes wrong, remember these three things:
Right partner versus right wedding. Weddings are meant to celebrate love. At the end of the day, you go home with your new spouse regardless of whether the wedding meets your expectations. This is just one day of the rest of your lives, so what鈥檚 more important? Having the right wedding or having and being the right partner? Focusing on each other, instead of the event, means because it鈥檚 not affecting your relationship.
Focus on relationships. You鈥檝e invited your guests to share in a special moment in your life. Is it then more important that the wedding party looks fit for Vogue or that you have your best friends to support you? . For example, a perfectionist might care more about whether their mother鈥檚 speech evokes the 鈥渞ight鈥� reactions from the crowd than how she鈥檚 feeling about this milestone in your life. If you prioritize your loved ones, the day becomes about connecting with them rather than ensuring they鈥檙e playing their part perfectly.
Mistakes are normal. Everyone makes mistakes. Your dad will trip on your train. Your groomsman will make an awkward speech. Your dinner will be late. It happens. If you, like , then avoiding them monopolizes the event. Breathe and laugh it off.
Pressure you put on yourself
There can be a lot of pressure to . It鈥檚 common for , invest in teeth whitening and skin-care regimes before their wedding and hire makeup artists for the event. pressure .
This feeds .
It can be hard to feel confident if you don鈥檛 think you meet these expectations, but try to keep these three things in mind:
Perfection is a myth. No one, and nothing, is perfect. There will undoubtedly be 鈥渇laws鈥� somewhere. Maybe you stress-sweat. Maybe you stutter during your vows. These are the things you remember fondly. It鈥檚 often the 鈥渋mperfections鈥� that make your memories 鈥� and your wedding 鈥� perfect. Reminding yourself that perfection is an unrealistic, and even undesirable, standard can keep you from striving for it.
It鈥檚 not a competition. You and the couple down the street have very different interests, relationships and values. Their elaborate, 300-guest wedding may have been right for them. They may not understand your desire to have an intimate 50-attendee affair instead, but that doesn鈥檛 matter. Both weddings are uniquely beautiful. You want to make memories, not a statement. Despite what perfectionistic thinking might tell you, your wedding isn鈥檛 a failure and this isn鈥檛 a competition.
You are loved. You might not look like the model did in your gown or suit. That鈥檚 OK. . However, your partner fell in love with you with the freckles and goofy laugh. You may become more fit or afford a more flattering outfit in the years to come, but that shouldn鈥檛 ruin your enjoyment of this moment. You don鈥檛 have to be perfect to be loved.
It is, after all, your special day, not your perfect day.
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