Sometimes, we throw around the word 鈥減erfect鈥� so often that the list of things to be 鈥減erfect鈥� at can feel endless: be the perfect parent, like the one seen on the mommy blog; be the perfect manager, like the ones who inspire teams to overcome any challenge; be the perfect party host, so friends will remember the occasion for years to come.
Most people, when faced with such expectations, can usually listen to the logical voice in their head, reminding them that perfection itself is basically unattainable. But for others, the voice of a narcissistic perfectionist drowns out logic 鈥� and when that happens, it isn鈥檛 pretty.
顿补濒丑辞耻蝉颈别鈥檚 describes a narcissistic perfectionist as someone who is grandiose, has a high sense of entitlement and holds unrealistic expectations of those around them. In other words, narcissistic perfectionists see themselves as special and as unique, and these individuals demand perfection of those around them in a very critical way.
鈥淣arcissistic perfectionists don鈥檛 play nicely with other people,鈥� says Simon Sherry, a clinical psychologist and an associate professor in the Department of Psychology and Neuroscience.
鈥淎 narcissistic perfectionist parent demands perfect performance from his daughter on the hockey rink, but not necessarily from anyone else out there,鈥� says Logan Nealis, a Clinical Psychology PhD student with the Personality Research Team. 鈥淭hey鈥檙e getting a sense of vitality or self-esteem through the perfect performance of other people, and they bask in that glow vicariously.鈥�
New research on when narcissism and perfectionism collide
Recently, Dr. Sherry鈥檚 Personality Research Team published two studies on narcissistic perfectionism, providing the first empirical evidence on the topic. Despite decades of clinical observations pointing toward narcissistic perfectionism, no one had set out to empirically study what happens when narcissism and perfectionism collide.
鈥淲e have a well-characterized understanding of neurotic perfectionists,鈥� says Dr. Sherry. 鈥淲e understand the perfectionist who is self-critical and self-doubting, who has an extreme and exaggerated concern over mistakes. The gap in knowledge has to do with narcissistic perfectionists.鈥�
Together, Dr. Sherry and Nealis put narcissistic perfectionism under a microscope and collected much needed data on this long-speculated but never truly studied personality construct.
The first study, published in the , used a daily-diary approach to collect data from samples of undergraduate students. The second, published in the , included perspectives from the parents, friends, roommates or romantic partners of those who fit into the narcissistic perfectionism mould.
鈥淥ur most consistent finding across the two studies is that narcissistic perfectionism is associated with social negativity in the form of anger, derogation, conflict and hostility,鈥� explains Dr. Sherry.
The evidence sheds light on how much others suffer from the actions of a narcissistic perfectionist.
鈥淲hen you look at what appears to be happening between the ears of a narcissistic perfectionist, you see they鈥檙e thinking really negative, hostile, critical things about other people,鈥� says Dr. Sherry. 鈥淭hey maintain this superior sense of themselves: 鈥業鈥檓 perfect, I鈥檓 awesome, and you鈥檙e not so you鈥檙e defective.鈥�
Great expectations
So what does narcissistic perfectionism look like in real life? The researchers point to public figures like Donald Trump and Simon Cowell as individuals who appear to be exemplars of narcissistic perfectionism. And in one of the two papers, the researchers examine popular biographies of the late Steve Jobs, the brilliant creative genius behind Apple,
鈥淎ccording to one biography, [Jobs] expected perfection from others in an entitled, demanding, and hyper-critical manner,鈥� the authors write. 鈥淓mployees reported going from 鈥榟ero to zero鈥� in Jobs鈥� estimation after even minor mistakes; employees also noted Jobs routinely derogated them in front of co-workers.鈥�
Based on accounts of his alleged behaviour, Jobs has been a poster boy for perfectionism in the global psychology community. However, Dr. Sherry and Nealis argue these accounts don鈥檛 seem to fit into the standard personality model of perfectionism. They believe narcissistic perfectionism is more fitting.聽 聽
鈥淚f you have high expectations of someone, that may well be a positive thing 鈥� if it鈥檚 paired with a warm, nurturing interpersonal style,鈥� says Nealis. 鈥淏ut high expectations paired with feelings of grandiosity and entitlement to the perfect performance of others creates a much more negative combination.鈥�
鈥淚n the world view of a narcissistic perfectionist, the problem exists outside of themselves,鈥� adds Dr. Sherry.聽 鈥淚t鈥檚 the co-worker, it鈥檚 the spouse, it鈥檚 the roommate.鈥�
Influencing change
Both researchers say that when they describe this concept of narcissistic perfectionism to friends, family and others outside of research and academia, there鈥檚 a consistent response. They hear comments like 鈥淥h, I鈥檓 thinking of someone like that right now,鈥� and 鈥淭hat sounds like my boss.鈥� But Dr. Sherry wonders if there鈥檚 more to consider.
鈥淲e may be characterizing a problem of our times,鈥� he says. 鈥淚t may very well be that we live in an age of entitlement where grandiose demands are often made in everyday life.鈥�
Even though the concept of narcissistic perfectionism is empirically new, psychologists already use therapeutic tactics to influence change in patients that experience negative and unhealthy relationships with others. Dr. Sherry believes it鈥檚 important to help the narcissistic perfectionist better understand their impact on others.
That said, he notes that a narcissistic perfectionist probably won鈥檛 seek therapy until someone or something bursts their bubble 鈥� the end of a marriage or the loss of a job, for example.
鈥淣arcissistic perfectionists have a need for other people to satisfy their unreasonable expectations鈥� And if you don鈥檛, they get angry,鈥� says Dr. Sherry. 鈥淢aking them more aware of the impact [their actions] ultimately have on others might 鈥� keyword, 鈥渕ight鈥� 鈥� spark change.鈥�